Falling ApartSun, Oct 16th 2011
I am a 30 yr old female. I live at home with my parents. I've always had some issues with depression and anxiety but have avoided anti-depressants, as I am very sensitive to such things and they tend to make me more anxious. My doctor prescribed Alprazolam last year at the lowest dose and I only take in times of extreme emotional agitation. It helped, but in the last few months things have gotten very bad and I have lost all sense that they can get better.
I'm trapped in a dead-end healthcare industry job that will be experiencing massive lay-offs. It is a very tense environment to work with this over us. If I choose to stay I will be going from working days to late evening, graveyard shifts and a pay reduction of $200 dollars a month.
Home is not much better. My parents do not get along and I have been their marriage counselor and buffer since age 11. There is a cultural and generational gap between us that makes communication with them difficult. When I was 15 I began cutting myself and have continued to do so. My mother called it "a phase" and my father didn't know until I was 29. He said it was all in my head.
Last week I found ants in my bedroom. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to ants and after much cleaning and spraying, am still seeing one or two a day. I am aware this is a stupid, a stupid issue to get worked up over, but I can't seem to help it.
I have not slept in three nights from the anxiety. I am just broken. I haven't been able to stop crying since yesterday and I keep thinking about the job, the ants, my parents and the fact that my life is actually pointless. I hate that I am this self-centered when there are others out there in far worse situations. I have no right. But I am in so much pain right now and I am tired of trying. I want so badly to fall asleep and hope I do not awake up again.
Please, please help.
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