'Selfish guitarist' wonders how to grow upMon, Feb 19th 2007
I'm 23 years old and I am in a serious relationship with an 18 year old girl. Our relationship has lasted 6 months and has quite literally changed my life in ways I never thought love could. The two of us have had an almost idealistic dreamy and sometimes unrealistic relationship. We've become disillusioned at different times because of each other's sexual histories, substance abuse histories and mutual feelings of jealousy for each other's acquaintances. On the other hand the relationship has been wonderfully spiritual, emotional, loving and unlike anything I've ever experienced with any woman anywhere or anytime in my life. Bottom line is I used to be a drunkie/junkie and this girl has given me a walking breathing reason to stick to my rehabilitation and stay sobered up. At the time of our first date, I was eking out a living as a lead guitarist and to be perfectly honest the money didn't matter so much as the groupies. I've cheated on this wonderful girl two times, once on the road and once after a local gig. Both times I used other women as secret weapons in a war of the roses. I've been so dishonest with my love and have even made false accusations to sort of cover up my own infidelity. Prior to the relationship I would have considered myself a swinger or a player. I am almost certainly addicted to sex and pornography. I used to participate in orgies, go to bondage clubs and have even had two homosexual encounters (which she doesn't know about). I look at porn everyday. I have asked my girlfriend to pose naked (which she refused), introduced her to BDSM (which she did but only with blindfolds, handcuffs, and light spanking) and I have even snuck out of bed to view pornography and masturbate while she sleeps and then return to our bedroom to have sex with her in the morning. During a heated argument the other night I used the fact that I had cheated on her twice as an emotional weapon. She was hurt and explained how disappointed she was. Saying that she was "excited" about us. She has left my place of residence. We talked on the phone and we both want each other to feel okay. I have heard the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I also feel that it would be even better to have loved and worked things out for the future. Bottom line is, I have never loved anybody before (except for the girl I lost my virginity to, but that was puppy love). This has been a deep, intensely amazing relationship. I don't want to lose her. She's brought me back to a place in my life when all I wanted was a monogamous perfect relationship. I want us to work and I confused about what I should do. Is there hope for us as partners? Is there hope for me as a sex addict? How can I go about making amends? thank you for your time signed, the Selfish Guitarist
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