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Relationship Questions

Struggling Along

Fri, Jan 30th 2004

Anne, I am struggling so in my situation. I fell in love with a married man. He was so miserable, and so unhappy, and as always I felt it my place to be there for him. It started as a work relationship, then a very special friendship then crossed the line into a sexual relationship and a true deep love for one another. For 18 months I stood beside him, I tried to be his best friend, and continued in a relationship because I thought it was meant to be. I believed in us, and in him. I believed that his wife was cruel and terribly abusive, and she was. During the 18 months he continued to tell me he had to do things his way, and he didn't understand some of the reason that he did the things he did, but he had so much guilt from his first wife dying after he left her that he was paralyzed with his second wife. She was verbally abusive as well as physically, she threatened him with everything he owned. All the while he continued to profess his love for me. I had to change my phone numbers twice when she found them, I change the car I drove so she would not follow me, I changed my job because he said it would be easier, (we all worked at the same place) I moved my residence because she knew where I lived. .after 18 months he had finally managed to get her to leave. They separated and she moved out. But he still seemed to feel guilty and would communicate with her. There were times when he told me maybe he was in love with both of us. There were so many lies, and so much dishonesty going on all the way around. She started to see someone else and he went crazy over it. Yet he was still seeing me? Still I stuck it out. I stayed on, and with in 3 months of her moving out, I moved in. Within 2 months I was more miserable and just thought it was adjusting. It was not. There were times when I was envious of his ex. She was on her own, and not having to deal with some of the issues that I was dealing with, with him. For example, for months all we did was talk about being together, and spending time together.. and now here we were able to spend time together, and he spent most of his time on his computer, in his cave... I worked, did the laundry, the dry cleaning, the cooking, the cleaning etc. etc. and then went to bed most of the time before him. Still I persevered and we bought a house together, except he was still legally married and my credit wasn't great, not to mention I was still somewhat a secret to everyone, so my money went into the purchase of the house, but not my name. So for about 6 months we progressed along in our lives,I was finally introduced to his parents and finally out of the closet. We were pretty much becoming a normal family. My kids and he were doing alright together, I was focused on the house and my kids, but there were still underlying issues that I had problems with..... like, the fact that he gets very upset if I talk to or hang out with other people, or if I don't answer the phone right away when he called, or if I was not at my desk when he called... or if I did not want to go to lunch with him and the guys. at one point, I was taken to lunch by a group that I no longer worked with as a farewell and he got so upset he told me I could move out with my kids. He said he was not mad that I went to lunch with them, but that I didn't call him and let him know. I thought if I called he would surly tell me no I could not go, so I did not call. I understand that he felt left out... but to get that upset...? That was normal.. While all this was going on I was really starving for the connection we once had, and really wanting the relationship, and he just continued to be very self centered and wrapped up in his own life.. I secretly longed for someone to pay attention to me, and not to take me for granted... and lo and behold along came someone that found me interesting, and made me feel beautiful. We started talking, and were heading towards more than a friendship.... I was so torn about feeling what I was feeling while still being in this other relationship that I came home and tried to tell my boyfriend that I wanted some space. I wanted to understand why I felt this way towards someone else. He blew up. He freaked out and just seem to be relentless in dragging out of me who it was that made me feel this way... I tried to get together some money to get out and move me and my kids out, but he told me we would ruin our credit, and would not be able to afford the house and a separate place to live.. Mind you, I traded in my truck for "Our Truck" (both names on it) I had my checks being directly deposited into a joint account to pay all the bills with... We have a nice house and my kids are in a great school that I don't want to move them from, and moving would be a huge ordeal... so i have agreed to stay... reluctantly. But I have. I am trying so desperately to not think about being on my own, or freedom, or about this other person.. but sometimes it is just so overwhelming... I started to see a counselor, and so has he for that matter, his own, and my own. I agreed to stay and work through my own issues and then see if we can work on us.. But it just seems that he is so suffocating. I can't have a bad day without him wanting to discuss it, over and over again. I feel like I am drowning... like my insides are shriveling up will soon just fade away... and then there are times when I feel like he has made real progress making changes, he is trying not to be a control freak... and trying to put me first... but it feels like a constant tug of war in my heart. Freedom... or make the best of it and not disrupt everything. I look around and say,, its not that bad... and other times I just feel that if i never had to get out of bed again to face the day... I would be ok. How can I stop feeling this way.... how can I decide to make the best of it or walk away from it.... He has since been very kind to my kids and they have really gotten close so I fear disruption in their lives weighs heavily on my decisions.

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