Ask Anne: Relationship Questions
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My fiancée and I (both in our 30s) are struggling with issues around our long-distance relationship. It began like this: We met and began dating in RI. After about a year of dating, we were engaged. Not long after that, he was offered a job in PA that he wanted to explore and he left RI to explore it. At the time, I was finishing my training and I was looking for jobs. My fiancée knew that I may not be able to get a job near his job. (My fiancée and I are both Ph.D.'s and the ability to establish a career is important to us.) I tried to find jobs in PA, but I was offered jobs in other places such as MA. (My family is from New England.) At the moment, my fiancée does not want to move from PA because he likes the direction his new job is taking him. Unfortunately, I have a great job offer and wish to take it. I am sad. I love him very much and want to be with him--so much so that if there was a suitable job in PA, I would move to be there with him. I know it is important to him that he has a job that he enjoys. But at the same time I wish he would work with me to try to accommodate my career path as well. I am reluctant to sacrifice my path because I just finished 10 years of training. My fiancée and I have discussed telecommuting from our jobs. This may be possible for a while (a year) but ultimately we would like to be together. So several issues plague my thoughts: Is my fiancée as committed as I am to making the relationship come together? Must it be that we can have our career OR the relationship but not both? Must it always be the case that the woman sacrifices her career for her man's career? On a positive note, both of us have been pretty positive about the relationship despite these career and location issues. We talk on the phone nightly. When we get together we love and grow together.

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