Depression: Depression & Related Conditions

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Ask Dr. Schwartz
Psychotherapy and Mental Health questions

A fighting couple

My boyfriend of 3 years and I have been fighting quite a lot lately. I feel maybe it\'s because I\'ve been holding things in and perhaps he has been, too, as they begin with something very stupid and then escalate. He is going through a divorce (international), got into some legal trouble which involved alcohol and lost his job, and is on probation for the next 4 years. In my opinion, ever since he got into trouble, he has changed (he disagrees with me on this). He has become extremely lazy, has no motivation, and intimacy has been shut down almost completely. He gets moody, but claims he does not. He gets mean, but claims he does not. Now when we argue, he puts the blame on me for things. He says I am the moody one (I do suffer from depression, anxiety, pre-menopause and numerous physical health problems---who wouldn\'t be moody...). He never wants to get married again because he has had two failed marriages. I used to want to get married, but now I don\'t even care. I just know I don\'t want to be alone. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought I finally found my soul mate at age 40. Now I wonder if I have been blinded by something other than love and I have no idea what to do. I live with him 90 percent of the time, yet I still hold down a residence 25 miles away. We talked about moving in together, but I\'m unsure if it\'s the right thing to do. I left again the other night after another fight, but this time HE told me to go home (he never did that before), where cruel words were said. He claims he is able to let things slide off his shoulders, but I have a tendency to hold on to harsh words that were said. I love him for the good person he can be. He had a rough childhood and spent 22 years in the Air Force in which he was in 3 wars. I realize he is going through tough times now and cannot even see his children who live in Germany. Both of his wives were unfaithful to him, but he claims he will always have feelings for them. Now me....that\'s a different story...We used to be able to talk for hours...he was my rock...my best friend. Do I stay away? Do I cave and call him.....again....? I hate conflict as much as he does, but we are both stubborn. He probably is not fretting about all of this, but it\'s driving me crazy!! Any assistance you could offer would be greatly appreciated and you may just save what little bit of sanity I have left! Thank you!

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